sinkships:

this is long. escape while you can.

—-

It amazes me a little how screwed up I was when I joined tumblr. Which thinking about it really wasn’t that long ago.. I just went back and wanted to look at some of my original posts (apparently I’ve done 153 pages of posts. ha woah)… I’ve been feeling recently that my posts have little in terms of consistency; I don’t mean how constant they are, I mean quality. Or depth. Or something.

But yeah. I’m glad I am feeling more balanced now. But I still have a ways to go.. at least I’m not still as messed up about my ex as I was - can you say ‘repressed’?? Nevertheless.. I fear that my belief in love will not be rekindled for a while. My current crushes are unlike any I’ve had before (not in a *wow* way) and I think it’s possibly because I have acknowledged this lack of belief. It’s a bit like…love… I can see it, yes. But when it comes to me, an error comes up on the screen that is my brain. My memories concerning my ex are vague and, I suppose, a little unkind. Something that bugs me occasionally is that RA actually looks like a gorgeous, slim, dark haired and blue eyed, better complexioned, better dressing and generally much better version of him. Their faces are sorta the same shape, their lips and nose.. I was reminded of it watching RA in Jamaica earlier. It bugs me. And it occurred to maybe that was partly why I liked RA, but then I thought about it and that’s really not it. I put it down to coincidence.

My ex was quite cruel sometimes, and he treated me badly. It started wonderfully and went wrong. Maybe he was too practically-minded for love. I don’t know. I do find it funny, though, how things turn out; his reason for breaking up was fear of commitment, and now he’s been in a relationship for I’m not even sure how long, but I’m fairly sure it’s nearly been a year; the last time I talked to him was just after Valentine’s Day last year, and that conversation was pretty much, hi, how are you, then me: ‘get anything nice [for V day]’ him: ‘yup’ me: ‘cool.’ And I think it wasn’t long after that they got together… I’m not altogether sure. I’m not that bothered really. But it is ironic. I do have to wonder what he is like with her; whether he’s learned how to treat people you’re supposedly in love with. I also have to wonder if he thinks of me at all. And what he thinks, if he does. If he has made me into a monster they way I’ve made him into one. I think I make monsters of people in order to make it easier to hate them, because I want to avoid the things maybe I should blame myself for.. but when it comes to him, I think my faults mainly weren’t so much my faults. Or my fault, anyway. He just stopped needing me. Roles changed, as they so often do. I knew I was kidding myself after he’d ended it but strung me along (I let myself be strung along - that much is true. I knew he didn’t want a relationship with me but I persevered) but I carried on because I wanted him to love me so badly.

Boys - no, people - are messed up sometimes. He didn’t understand that I couldn’t see him for a while after he’d ended it for good. We’d booked tickets to see OkGo in London before we’d finished our whatever it was, our aftermath, so we went to that but really, we sorta toyed with eachother… I went with the intention of looking fantastic and making him want me, and I don’t know what intention he had but mine worked..but I got nothing from it. After that, we arranged to meet up once, and I told him I needed time away. He never got that. And we didn’t speak for a while. And when we did, it was the same as before - he treated me like I was a fucking IDIOT. He’d contradict himself, saying he wanted to be friends but then acting like he couldn’t trust me not to ‘stalk’ him online, telling me I had a ‘problem,’ despite me not actually caring enough about him to enter into anything like that. He pretty much thought I was obsessed with him, when really I didn’t care all that much what he did, or what he thought at that point.

Having said that, I repressed some extreme anger. And hurt. As reflected at the start of blog. As reflected in the song ‘Brave’ - I wrote it retrospectively, remembering how I felt at the time…and now, when I listen to it in context, I feel so angry. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was. But nevertheless, that’s life. And we all have to live with life, don’t we?

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it”

What’s a long post without a cheesy Buffy quote to round it off? :)